Sex?? teaching your kids

[Rock DJ]

there will come a time when ya kids get to that age when they start to ask questions about how babies are made etc......etc then they reach the teenage years and start to ask the real stuff.

for those that have kids that age, how have you handled the matter?? how have you approached it?? did you feel uncomfortable talking about the subject?? what did you say to put it across "mildly" ???

would be interesting to know.

[Biko]

When my son is old enough I intend telling him everything there is about sex, that includes all the slang/swearing. I intend telling him this before he goes to Secondary school, as I see no reason why he should find it out in the playground, explained to him by some kid! Thats how I found out!

[Jill]

Kids soon let you know when they want information ;) At that point you have two choices, either to gently explain what they need to know and answer any questions that arise as they go along, or change the subject by saying something like "you'll learn about all of this later".

Mine started asking questions at about 5 years old. An integral part of all explanations has been to discuss relationships and respect. All done in a way that children can easily understand. Now when they hear something at school and want to know more, they come and ask me openly. My son is now 13 and has friends at school that are sexually active. One lad in particular is very disrespectful to girls which my son has worked out for himself. I believe my son's respectful attitude is because he's given relationships considerable thought for a long time and has chosen not to follow his friend's example. He has no desire to be active yet and has chosen to wait a few years.

One young lady of 12 that he's been friendly with for a long time recently chose to have sex with her 14 year old friend right in front of him. He was shocked because the lad had been saying to him earlier that day that he didn't care for the girl at all! They used no birth control and did not form a relationship after. I fear for kids that are active at this age as they're not responsible enough to cope with the possible consequences. My son has chosen to distance himself from the both of them, he needed no advice from me. Neither of these youngsters is particularly close to their parents :(

I'm not a prude but I do feel that the legal age of 16 is quite young enough.

[Ananya]

6 years ago I became a mom overnight when my hubby's children came to live with us. His daughter, who was 8 at the time, proudly announced to me that she knew everything about the birds and the bees and 'women's things' because a friend had told her everything when she was 5.

I found that pretty awful. While I totally agree that children should be told the facts of life as opposed to finding out, it should be done at a reasonable age surely, and definitely not at the age of 5. It takes away part of childhood innocence that can never be brought back again.

I remember my mom sitting me down when I was about 10 or 11 and telling me all about what was going to happen to me as I had started to be a little curious and she didn't want me to hear any horror stories at school.

The question is though, when do you decide it's the right time to tell your kids?

[Jill]

It would be nice if they didn't ask questions quite so early in life, but when they start school and the playground sniggering begins, I still think it's better to talk with children about what they've heard. Quite simply my kids asked early, therefore I had to respond early. Hopefully by explaining as I did with my kids, it helped to prevent some of the sniggering and false information that goes around the playground.

Sadly we can't control what's said to our kids at school when they're not with us and that can lead to confusion and sometimes fear. What I do want to prevent is to make the subject mysterious so that the kids experiment early through fascination. The 12 year old girl I mentioned previously came from a very religious household where the subject was not discussed. I would hate to think that my own daughter went the way of this 12 year old and ended up falling pregnant through lack of knowledge.

There's no right or wrong answer to this really, as parents we have to "play it by ear". My daughter is still very young and innocent, plays like a tomboy and has no interest in experimentation whatsoever. I think I did the right thing by talking with them when they asked questions but like you Ananya, I wish the necessity hadn't arisen.

[silvergrandee]

Suggest nobody does what happened to me, a fair few decades back.....

Sex wasn't discussed at all, particularly in my own family. One day at the tender & terribly innocent age of 12 (like we all were at that time) I read the word "rape" in a newspaper. Straight to the dictionary (as I'd been told to do when I came across any unknown word) and discovered the ref. to "men having carnal knowledge of women". OK, what's carnal? Dictionary said something about "eating meat". Instant connection - men eat women! It took a few more years to work it all out for myself. Unfair, I think.

Dee

[Richy]

jill your son sounds like a testiment to your successful parenting. i must admit i had a little fun before 16 but i was (at least i thought i was as anyone will appreciate at that age) deeply in love and had been for some time. i guess the 16 barrier is too old for some as it is too young for others. sex education comes best from parents helped by books.
should i ever choose to have kids (and to be fair i dont think i'm dad material, i would find it hard to hippocritical in punnishing my kids) then i would prefer to tell them what they want to know when they want to know it rather than they hear half truths from school.
my old man never even raised the subject but my mum was very open about it, i would much rather my son\daughter felt he could ask either parent, although i think explaining some things to a daughter would embarrass me (but prolly not half as much as it would her :) )

[Jill]

Dee, I had to smile, sorry ;) But you've just given the perfect example of the confusion all this can cause for kids. I was also taught to go straight to the dictionary to look up new words. :)

Richyboy, you raised some good stuff there. Thanks for your comments about my lad ;) I'm sure some kids are ready for relationships before the age of 16 as you were. It very much depends on the individual youngster I guess, some are very much more mature than others. Somehow it still worries me that young girls can fall pregnant at such a young age though and miss out on a time that is usually spent having fun and socialising. Difficult to do that with a baby and teenagers often seem to think they're invincible, that it'll never happen to them, therefore the risk is probably rather higher.

You'll be fine when it's your time to be a dad I'm sure, kids don't come with a rule book, we all play it by ear! :lol

I reckon the important thing is to talk with your kids, make yourself approachable. That goes for everything really. :)

[Richy]

lol thanks jill, my dad refers to parenting as 'damage limitation' :) as for young girls getting preggers i couldnt agree more, theres plenty of fun to be had when growing up and no one should miss out on it. what can you do about it. tell them what they need to know so they can make the judgement themselves? scare the hell out of em?? i liked the project we got at school where we had to look after those blasted dolls which screamed all the time (although less than my younger brother if the truth be told) what do you think about condom machines in school toilets? (our school had senior and junior toilets and we tried to get them in the senior toilets but werent allowed). in the end i think its down to good parenting.

[Jill]

Virtual babies are a brilliant idea! I watched Craig on Big Brother trying to cope with his "Juanita", quite an eye opener for him I think! :)

My son's school uses them too. I saw one young lady going into school with hers recently, treating it very responsibly and making sure it was OK. I guess for some young girls the idea of having a baby is attractive, pushing the buggy, having someone to love etc. But in reality along with the nice bits come the sleepless nights, smelly nappies, constant feeding etc. etc. Virtual babies help to bring this home to them in a very realistic way ;)

Hmm, condoms in the school loos. Complicated issue that one. In the example you give Richyboy, the loos were senior ones, although I don't know how senior. I think most boys loos would be for younger lads too, in which case I don't think it's appropriate. Anyway, if a lad is old enough to have sex, isn't he brave enough to go into a chemist shop? :lol

[Richy]

sorry forgot to mention 14-16 yrs. we had them at college and uni. as for chemists shops i swear they embarras you on purpose, even when you know exactly what you want they invent new types. theres always a question ready for you :)
i wonder if theres any correlation between teenage pregnancies and kids that didnt grow up with a baby in the house after they were say 7 or 8? i helped nurse one of my dogs litters and that was time consuming enough :) but very rewarding all the same.

[Synergy Blades]

Hey, just thought I'd say, you all seem to talk very openly about sex with your kids. In contrast, I'm glad I don't talk about it with my parents! It's not something I really want to talk to them about - they're my parents, ya know, and if they talked to me about it I would feel it an invasion of my privacy. Similarly they never told me about sex, I think I found out through books and friends :)
As for condoms in loos, younger guys know what condoms are for, they aren't that stupid :lol Of course, there'd be the usual giggling etc. as you would expect from them but for older guys it might benefit them more if they're there if they need them.

[Jill]

If the ages were 14-16, I'd have to say I don't agree with condom machines being installed. Principally because there are those that are too young that would have access to the machines.

So these sketches we see on the tv about some poor young lad standing at a chemists counter looking dead embarrassed are accurate then ;) Would Sir like the Raspberry, Strawberry, Lemon .. :lol

I'm sure having a baby in the house when you're a child does help. I guess brothers and sisters are also involved with the care of the baby at times. Difficult for me to say really, I was an only child :(

[Richy]

thats only flavour jill, what about brand, size, how big a pack, ribbed, studded, thickness etc. its getting worse then buying a car :) plus the person behind the counter is nearly always female and someone you know (never ever date the daugher of a pharmacist ;) )

[Rock DJ]

you just wear what ya feel comfortable with, and makes the experience all the better. as long as it does what it says on the pack ya safe.

my lass takes the pill, and i use Durex. so in theory we are taking double the precautions. meaning less chance of her falling pregnant.

i dont see why a bloke ould have a problem walking into a chemist and asking for condoms i know i dont, but then again thats the type of person i am :lol.

i dont care what people think, i gain more respect from the lady behind the counter serving me for taking the necessary precautions to prevent me lass havin a bairn. me and her generally talk openly about this. if by some act of god she did fall pregnant, she would either have it terminated or go through with the pregnancy and have it adopted. of course thats while she is goin out with me. her views could change later on............

but i am doing everything in me power to prvent it from happening and so far i have no regrets, she hasn't fell pregnant once :)

in schools, teachers should be taught to be more frank and open in regards to sex eductaion, instead of using these medical and scientific terms, they should use summat the common bloke lass can understand. for instance instead of penis, d!ck goes down better lol, instead of vagina you could use............well ok i will stop there :lol but you get the picture.

we need to be more frank about this and give kids the hard facts not ****ty gentle ones. then you will be able to get through to them easier and they will take notice.

[Jill]

Rock, you sound responsible :) You don't half sound like my ex-mother-in-law :lol "bairn" etc. ;)

Around here they have a scheme for young teenage mothers to go into the schools and talk with the youngsters and say what it's like to be a mum early in life. Personally I think that's a brilliant idea. No-one gets through to them like their own age group no matter how we try! :)

[Rock DJ]

thank you :lol

well that scheme you have sounds a great idea i wonder what our council has planned cos apparently from a monthly newsletter i were reading, they were starting an initiative to cause a fall in teenage pregnancies.

so has this scheme been successful

[squidgy]

Actually I totally agree .... there's no better form of birth control than to understand, at a very young age BEFORE you have kids, what it's like for other people near you, who are also at a very young age, to have kids!

Mind you, perhaps that can be a bit too effective, and lasts much of your life .... I reckon that this is causing a decline in population in the western world.

Stressing the importance of relationships is all very well, but I went around with the idea that you can have kids merely by having a "relationship" with someone when I was younger, and I couldn't see the distinction between such a "relationship" and being friends, or even merely knowing someone. Great!!!! (Mind you, my social life has recovered from this minor setback since then. :) )

The most important thing, in my opinion, that no-one has mentioned yet, is .... why are kids interested in sex in the first place?

I'm not being prudish because of religious convictions here, I mean it for real. You can't tell me that it's because sex itself is actually a good physical feeling, yes? It's all very nice in a relationship, but apart from that, it never feels physically as good to me as some of the recreational drugs experiences I had when I was younger. (although that's not to say that I really condone kids popping doves and snorting coke all weekend either, of course.)

No, I reckon it's a self-confidence thing. Some teenagers don't seem to be able to value themselves unless they're able to brag about their sex lives. And I believe it's this kind of mentality that we need to smash to pieces.

[Rock DJ]

so what your saying is teenagers should let the whole world know they are having sex and how good it is. and what they do.

thats disgusting, i admit to having sex, but for christs sake, i wouldn't tell a soul what i get up to in that bedroom. thats stays in those four walls and does not leave.

i think it's degrading for a person to brag about having sex, it's a private matter and should be kept that way. and you say teenagers dont value themselves if they dont brag about it. i value myself tremedously but do ya hear me bragging about that i have had sex with my lass NO!!!! cos it's private and thats how it should remain in a relationship.

god mate you need ya head looking

[squidgy]

so what your saying is teenagers should let the whole world know they are having sex and how good it is. and what they do.

:lol I can't believe that you've misinterpreted my post so much! You're having me on, aren't you? :lol :lol :lol RockDJ, I'll assume that you are actually capable of reading. :)

thats disgusting, i admit to having sex, but for christs sake, i wouldn't tell a soul what i get up to in that bedroom. thats stays in those four walls and does not leave.

I totally agree. I'm no kiss and tell, I've got more self confidence than that. I really don't see the point.

i think it's degrading for a person to brag about having sex, it's a private matter and should be kept that way. and you say teenagers dont value themselves if they dont brag about it. i value myself tremedously but do ya hear me bragging about that i have had sex with my lass NO!!!! cos it's private and thats how it should remain in a relationship.

Totally agree. Unfortunately, it seems to me as though there definitely are some teenagers about who aren't so self-assured. Sex seems to become a peer-pressure thing, and a way of getting out of the "let's make fun of the virgins" thing. Of course, when someone seems to be bragging, you often don't have any way of knowing what they're saying is true or not, but that's not my point. The point is, those whose self-confidence leaves room for improvement take it at face value, and believe it. And get involved in sexual activities with other people that a more rationally-thinking person would probably avoid.

god mate you need ya head looking

Nope, must disagree with you there. I reckon that this is probably an incredibly sensitive point for most teenagers, but there's definitely a problem, and it goes round in a vicious circle and propagates itself. Not to mention the risk of STD's as well ....

[Rock DJ]

oops :o :o :o

i missed the last comment :o

soz mate

mayby i need glasses :lol

honestly i missed that last comment


And I believe it's this kind of mentality that we need to smash to pieces.

i am really sorry mate i am all embarrassed now *he sits in the corner and sulks*

i am real sorry iw ill pay more attention to peoples posts from now on, i am really sorry wont do it again :)

[Jill]

Rock after reading your post I went back to Squidgy's to see if I could read what you read. I can't see Squidgy recommending that teenagers let the world know they're having sex anywhere! :lol

In fact, he seems to be saying the reverse. I think he's right too. It seems to me he's saying that because teenagers lack self-confidence, they make up for it in some way by bragging about having sex. I'm sure he didn't mean each and every teenager does this, but some definitely do.

Squidgy, your misinterpretation of what a relationship was as a nipper goes back to real basics. I was brought up in a very sheltered household where the subject wasn't discussed at all. Having experienced myself what it's like to be confused, to have questions that you daren't ask anyone etc., I decided to be very up front with my own kids and answer questions early on. It's paying off. There seems to be nothing gained but confusion if parents aren't open and honest with their kids. That's not to say they should tell them the lot at 5 years old, certainly not, they can't take it in at that age. But when the DO ask, they're generally ready for the response.

Sometimes mine will see something on the TV that makes them ask questions, it seems to put the seed of thought in their mind and later on a question bursts forth ;). As long as they're balanced, happy kids, that's great. Sometimes I'll see or read something myself which I feel needs discussion with the kids. I ask their opinon, see how they feel about things and give them any further advice as I feel appropriate. At one point my son was developing some slightly prejudiced views on homosexuality (acquired opinions from schoolmates apparently). So we talked about it. After which, he had a rethink and he decided his viewpoint wrong - he did that himself :). Hopefully this freeflow of information and discussion will help to give them the self-confidence they need to cope with adult life. :)

Sorry Rock, we cross-posted I think ;)

[squidgy]

Hey RockDJ, don't worry, it takes two people to communicate, I don't mind that it's happened, maybe it reflects on me for not being quite clear enough first time round. I guess this is the kind of thing we all learn as we go along. :)

I suppose a message of "virginity is cool" might be a good thing, I believe that there's already such a campaign going on, but convincing today's kids of it might be another matter. But I think we're helped by the fact that the English language has got plenty of derogatory words for those who sleep around! :lol

Although the idea of publicly shaming kids in school for bragging about sleeping around might be quite a sharp lesson, I reckon it could backfire ... because the way playground politics works is that others kids will bully them, and I would worry that it could get to the point of serious sexual abuse too.

Anyone got any opinions on the best way of handling it?

[Jill]

Isn't it all rather odd? Some youngsters seem to think it's kewl have sex as early teenagers or pre-teens, it's almost seen as a sign of being grown up, a sign of power, making a conquest sort of thing - when in reality it's all rather sad and immature if a teenage pregnancy is the result. How many men would really be more interested in a woman if she'd had a succession of partners dating back to early teenage years? Is it seen as a turn-on? I don't think so somehow.

[onomatopoeia]

Call me strange (don't worry, many have), but as I see it what has gone before in a partners life before you get together is of no consequence, whether she has had one lover or dozens. Now is important.

[Jill]

I wish! :lol
My ex was a nightmare about anyone I'd even been friendly with! :(

[onomatopoeia]

What's the point of that though? The way I look at it is that what's done is in the past and gone, it can't be changed so look forward rather than back.

[big tart]

Originally posted by adams54
One young lady of 12 that he's been friendly with for a long time recently chose to have sex with her 14 year old friend right in front of him. He was shocked because the lad had been saying to him earlier that day that he didn't care for the girl at all! They used no birth control and did not form a relationship after

I cant believe something like this goes on. I mean I 'know' it does happen but in my view this is what causes the whole teen pregnancy thing.
Bad/ignorant parenting (which I am sure is much easier than good parenting) is to blame.

What were they thinking?
What would their parents think if (when) she gets pregnant.

Matt

[Jill]

I agree with you big tart. Unbelievably, the mother of the lad was upstairs in bed asleep at the time (about 11am) presumably after a "night out". Their marriage has problems, but it's no excuse for just pushing their son to the sidelines. In the past, this same lad wanted to go to a sporting event near us that my son was attending. Mother asked me if I'd take him as she was away at the time, of course I said I would. During the event the lad feigned injury, was carted off in an ambulance to hospital for x-rays and treatment and I had to rush about trying to keep pace with my own kids who were at the same event and the lad in hospital. His mother had a mobile phone which I rang, but because my number was in her phone she wouldn't answer :mad:. I recruited the help of a friend who went to the hospital and stayed with the lad. This friend phoned mother on her mobile and she answered immediately. Later that day I took the lad home with me as he was staying overnight. We had a social event with the same sporting club to attend in the evening. All the kids got ready, including the lad and we went to the "do". His knee injury miraculously disappeared and he skipped and ran across the dancefloor with the others. The red mist was beginning to rise!:mad:

Mother was due to collect him early next morning. I'd left messages to say he was in hospital on her answering machine and requested a return call from either herself or her husband. No call. Both parents had mobiles as well as their land line. Mother turned up at 2pm looking shattered. By this time I'd sat the lad down and talked with him about the dangers of feigning injury and the drain on the ambulance that was at the event, making it unavailable for "real" injuries. He admitted what he'd done and looked sheepish.

When mother arrived I sat her down gave her a piece of my mind. She used me that day and ignored the needs of her son. Absolutely disgraceful. Never in a million years, no matter how busy I was, would I have ignored my son like that, and I didn't expect it from her. She knows never to ask me to take him anywhere again, but continues to put her own interests first and leave her son to his own devices. Hardly surprising that he wanted affection from the 12 year old is it? But that's the fault of the parents. This kid has no chance unless the parents wise up and put him first. :(

[cat]

I think kids nowadays know more than what i did at their age
And i wasnt as forward in asking questions like my oldest son is,And im amazed at some of the things he comes out with.
I remember sitting him down and saying anything you need to ask about sex etc fire away,He turned round and said its ok mum i know it all,Then he started asking me questions such as do you know what such an such position is,or have you ever done this thing.So i just said i think we should go onto a different subject as in love,marriage,relationships etc.
He turned round and said i aint getting married and if i have kids it will be 1,And if i need my house cleaned ill hire a cleaner.So i said thats good son im glad you have thought things through,"So when are you leaving",and when you get your flat in some posh area can i come for tea and jump all over your new sofa,leave all my dishes in the sink,pee all over your toilet seat,break all your ornaments,Oh and not forgetting asking you for the train money home.:lol :p

[Garibaldi]

We all seem to agree that sexual awareness is now generally obtained at a lower age than in the past – why should this be?

Is Eastenders to blame – there is plenty of social unrest in that soap! Are any of the other soaps to blame – probably!

What about “pop videos”? There cannot be many videos in the last 10 years that have “artists” (if you want to call them that!) who are NOT glamorous and some are obviously selling the concept of sex. One of the older ones must be Frankie goes to Hollywood and “relax”.

What about the content of young peoples magazines? They are always read by really young people!

What about the internet – access to all manner of content.

This is a scary world for parents

What ever happened to the innocence of being young, its such a shame that there is sooooo much media out there trying to change children into adults before they are really ready!

Enough of a rant – this is a good thread though!
:)

[cat]

My youngest daughter is 6yrs old and is still innocent,She hasnt been told the facts of life as she is too young,Mind you saying that i stopped her from playing with a few girls in her class due to the fact they were far to outspoken,dyed hair,they swear,I want to try and protect my daughter from growing up to fast
She is quite happy playing with her dolls and prams and she doesnt need a playstation,computer,to keep her amused.
My sons have their own tv and they share the playstation and the oldest asked me if he could use my laptop for school project,Well hes now banned from using my laptop as he was on these porn sites and it took me ages to get rid of all the popups,grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,So from now on if he needs to do a project for school its under strict adult supervision if he wants to search the net.

[John]

We told ours and the youngest ran off screaming :lol